Side note

I decided this week I need a dog. I feel like I'm in a better groove at work. I'm financially settled enough to take on the responsibility, and I could use the companionship. So I've been browsing petfinder and I will be making a trip this week to the pound. I've emailed a few people about dogs I've seen on petfinder but I'll likely snatch one up at the montgomery county animal shelter this week. They tend to be the dogs in the greatest need, but I'm NOT going to just grab the first dog I see. I love Mae to DEATH but if I get another dog like her I will stab my eye out. I want a calmer, more obedient dog.

I'm also going friday to look at a horse to lease. He's an eighteen year old thoroughbred who needs a bit more exercise than he's currently getting. I'm under the impression he is mostly retired. The lady seems nice and he's at a dressage barn. His owner seemed very down to earth and sweet, so I'm hopeful it's going to be a laid back, fun dressage barn, not an uppity dressage queen castle.

I also removed several people from my life recently. A few more directly, but mostly from my facebook. This weekend was really hard. It finally hit me that Katie was dead. And next month is my sister's birthday, and my dad won't be here for that.

And I realized that girls I've known for 8, 10, 12 years haven't even checked in on me. One person specifically I am so incredibly disappointed in. I completely understand we all get busy and sometimes in life we lose touch (I am the worst at calling people), but I can't imagine someone I've been close with for A DECADE losing their father and their horse (or dog, or whatever), knowing that friend was very close to BOTH and doing nothing. I can't imagine not at least calling or sending a card, or flowers, or ANYTHING.

I've been fairly happy, all things considered, but I need to bring happiness into my life. I can't sit around waiting for my so-called "friends" to be there for me. Clearly, that is not going to happen.

So I'm going to make some room to go out and FIND friends that will. I've been very lucky to have some amazing friends (MaryAshley and Ellen, you two are amazing and I love you to pieces) but in order to bring happiness into my life I'm going to go out and find it. And if you can't be there for me through the tough times, you surely don't deserve to be there for the good ones!

A good life

I have lived a good life. I would consider myself smart, thoughtful, and kind. Not to mention scatterbrained, forgetful and a little mistrusting, but these are all traits that make me who I am.

I have learned so much about myself, and so much about myself has changed over the last six months I'm not sure where to start, other than to say I have lived a good life and I hold my breath in anticipation with what wonders life has yet to throw my way.

One thing I have learned a lot about the last three months is death. I have always felt I have a strong grip on death and the world, and losing two of the most important influences of my life in the span of two months hasn't changed that. Life is death. People, things, die and it leaves room for us to find new people and new creatures to touch our lives.

For now? My heart weeps in unabashed self pity. My father was one of the kindest, hardest working people I have ever known and my heart broke two weeks before he died when he wrote on his notepad "I don't even feel sick, I'm going to beat this." He wrote because he couldn't talk, eat, or breathe normally. But he had the strength to try and smile and write that.

My father will never meet a boyfriend of mine, let alone walk me or my sister down the isle. He will never see my first apartment, or house. My first funeral was my father's funeral. I don't blame cancer, or god, or the doctors or life. I accepted death as a part of life and that didn't change when death came knocking on my father's door... but I'm still really very sad to not have him in my life anymore.

My heart broke again today when I received an email about Katie. It told me about the wonderful family that adopted Katie, then how she went blind and hurt herself only to have to be put down. I haven't seen her for two years, but that mare, that ridiculous, haughty, accident prone horse was my world for nearly six years.

Katie was my world; she knew me. Katie was me as any other being could be me. I have never met a person, horse, or anything else that better fit me, and I doubt I will. I will not forget the cold winter nights I'd go to the barn and sit in her stall... she would come over and sniff my hair, then nuzzle my jacket. She loved when I wore nylon jackets and would rub her nose on my shoulder, snorting at the funny feeling and noise that the slick nylon produced.

I have a good life. I am lucky. But for now, my heart hurts.