A good life

I have lived a good life. I would consider myself smart, thoughtful, and kind. Not to mention scatterbrained, forgetful and a little mistrusting, but these are all traits that make me who I am.

I have learned so much about myself, and so much about myself has changed over the last six months I'm not sure where to start, other than to say I have lived a good life and I hold my breath in anticipation with what wonders life has yet to throw my way.

One thing I have learned a lot about the last three months is death. I have always felt I have a strong grip on death and the world, and losing two of the most important influences of my life in the span of two months hasn't changed that. Life is death. People, things, die and it leaves room for us to find new people and new creatures to touch our lives.

For now? My heart weeps in unabashed self pity. My father was one of the kindest, hardest working people I have ever known and my heart broke two weeks before he died when he wrote on his notepad "I don't even feel sick, I'm going to beat this." He wrote because he couldn't talk, eat, or breathe normally. But he had the strength to try and smile and write that.

My father will never meet a boyfriend of mine, let alone walk me or my sister down the isle. He will never see my first apartment, or house. My first funeral was my father's funeral. I don't blame cancer, or god, or the doctors or life. I accepted death as a part of life and that didn't change when death came knocking on my father's door... but I'm still really very sad to not have him in my life anymore.

My heart broke again today when I received an email about Katie. It told me about the wonderful family that adopted Katie, then how she went blind and hurt herself only to have to be put down. I haven't seen her for two years, but that mare, that ridiculous, haughty, accident prone horse was my world for nearly six years.

Katie was my world; she knew me. Katie was me as any other being could be me. I have never met a person, horse, or anything else that better fit me, and I doubt I will. I will not forget the cold winter nights I'd go to the barn and sit in her stall... she would come over and sniff my hair, then nuzzle my jacket. She loved when I wore nylon jackets and would rub her nose on my shoulder, snorting at the funny feeling and noise that the slick nylon produced.

I have a good life. I am lucky. But for now, my heart hurts.

Back in the world

I was walking through Eisenhower Park when I remembered that I actually had a blog! That at one point in time I had planned on keeping up with. It slipped my mind for a while amid the two months at camp, MaryAshley's wonderful wedding, and hours upon hours of job searching.

After a week of serious application sending and resume attaching and cover letter writing I've discovered a few things about myself:

1.) I need to start applying to jobs that provide a way to contact them after said resume attaching and cover letter writing... I don't like just sending and waiting. I feel that if I was able to contact someone afterwards I would be more likely to get an interview.
2.) The idea of sending salary requirements in daunting and I know I'm supposed to do the research and such to match the job and my experience and yadda yadda but REALLY?! I have no effing clue.
3.) I need a job. I need a job to feel whole and normal and useful and occupied. I like being busy. I'd rather work 8 hours a day 5 days a week in a somewhat miserable job than have no job at all.

However, being jobless has given me the ability to explore San Antonio a little bit. I got a P.O. Box (woohoo! I can receive mail in the same city I'm living in!), and I've been to two area parks. The first park is north of where I'm staying, it was super busy (about 9:30am on a Sunday) and filled with bikers. The trails were mostly paved with a few narrow bike ways for trail bikes.
The landscape was pretty; tons of thin, twisted, knotted trees and prickly pear cactus amid the browns and faded greens.
The second park, the Dwight D. Eisenhower Park, was nestled between an active rock quarry and a military base. The main trail was paved but most of the trails were covered in mulch. It was pretty and further west. There was more color and it was rocky and hilly and definitely more of a natural park/walking trail kind of feel.

It's not a park like in Ohio, it actually made me miss the rich greens and dark browns and hills of the mid-west. But it's beauty in it's own way, and I really enjoy it. I also have a theory that part of the reason people are nicer here is to make up for the harshness of the climate. It's not harsh like the cold, like Alaska style, it's just sharp and prickly... okay that doesn't make any sense at all, but it made sense in my head.

Actually, about 30 seconds after I thought it made me miss Ohio, I realized what I really missed was horseback riding through the hill country. THAT is what I miss most in San Antonio.

Growing up and such

In twelve days I will begin the journey into adulthood.

Sort of.

I'm setting out for an (approx.) 20 hour drive to work as a camp counselor. I'm getting rid of nearly everything and essentially "starting over." My bed, desk, over half of my clothing, any candles, picture frames, my printer, all of it. Gone. Adios.

I'll spend two months working with horses and children. One of which I have a lot of experience doing, and the other I do not.

I've never been to Texas before (unless you count the four hours spent in the Houston George Bush Intercontinental Airport, then I've been there once), but it's something I am incredibly excited about. I've always wanted to go to Texas, but I'm not sure why. Maybe it's the heat and the horses and the beautiful pictures I drool over, but I feel like there is something there for me.

Last night I was spending some time with friends, listening to all their stories of how they envision Texas. This "Texas" most people envision involves extensive cowboy boots, spurs, fake animals heads, cowboy hats, and stuffed animals stapled haphazardly on the walls, and anywhere they will fit.

I never pictured it that way. I just get a mental image of large, old gnarly trees along a river bank. I also feel like the people are going to be more cordial. But that is about it.

I'm more excited to reinvent myself. I did it went to Evansville for my first year of college. I became more outgoing and personable and created a social aspect of my life I had never really had before.

Whatever happens, it will be good, and a much needed change.

I have grown to really appreciate the city I live in and the people here, but it's the weather I am most looking forward to escaping. I need more sunshine in my life than I get in the Midwest. And warmth.

I will absolutely miss Mae, and my friends, and family. I feel incredibly guilty leaving when my dad is so sick, but I'm not leaving forever, and if necessary I can try and find a job in the area come August. I can always come back, but this job opportunity is not going to come around again.

Selfish, I know, but I never claimed to be perfect.

Burma

"Finding George Orwell in Burma" by Emma Larkin is one of my favorite books.

If you have any interest in George Orwell, or his works, you should read it. It is the story of a journalist (Emma Larkin is a pseudonym) who travels to Burma in order to understand more about Orwell, why he wrote about Burma, and to learn about his experiences there. He spent five years in the colonial army serving in Burma, and officially wrote one book, "Burmese Days" about Burma, but many (especially Burmese) feel "1984" and "Animal Farm" are as well, and in Burma he is often referred to as The Prophet.

I hope I can travel to Burma one day, and I have a secret wish to live there for a while. But mores than that, I just feel some sort of connection. Perhaps the connection is really just due to a well written book. But the more I research the struggles of Burma, the more my heart breaks, and the more I want to be a part of it.

For example, in the book Ms. Larkin discusses the fall of the education system. When Burma was a colony, it had an extremely high rate of literacy, and the majority of the education was done in monasteries. However, when Burma was granted independence and the Military Regime took over, the education system fell apart. In the book one of the reasons is the ability for educated people to fight back. The lower the literacy rate and the less intelligent a people are, the less likely they will be in understanding their oppression. It also makes it easier to isolate the people in Burma from outside media sources. I want to do something about it.

One way Burma has accomplished the destruction of the education system is by requiring the citizens to pay for, build, and staffing of their schools. A third is by requiring all education to be done in the language of Burmese. Although this does not seem to be an issue, Burma is populated by many different ethnicity's and has one of the richest and most diverse collection of people. Forcing everyone to speak Burmese is an effort by the Junta to give an advantage to the Burman ethnic group, and essentially "tax" other ethnicity's.

And Burma is home to Aung San Suu Kyi, my absolute hero.

Thoughts on dogs, toys, and terriers

Sometimes I wonder if dog toy designers think about the mess their toys make. I have a Jack Russell terrier, who is a really big fan of stuffed animals. Especially stuffed animals with squeakers inside; the more stuffing the better, from her point of view, at least. Sometimes stuffed animals will be shredded within 5 minutes. I wish I could tell you the ridiculous amounts of money I have spent on stuffed toys over the last few years.

You think I would have learned after the first few, right? Well, I have. Let's be honest, the last stuffed toy I bought my roommates and I made bets to see how long it would last. I said an optimistic week and a half, their bets were 2 days, and 5 days. We were all wrong, and although she is currently shredding every last bit of stuffing left, it outlasted all of our predictions. It made it about 2 months, the first month I left it out for her to chew on whenever she pleased, but the last month was supervised, due to the slightly tattered outer core.

That toy was rated on a scale of 1-10 at 8. It is shown with a doberman. The toy itself was approximately the same length as mae. The other one of the Tuffys brand I have tried was a 7 and barely hit the half hour mark, I believe. Maybe it lasted an hour? Not completely sure on that one. Mae managed to destroy the toy rated at a strength of 8 within about a month. Clearly this has turned into a challenge of wasted money and failure (on my part, clearly) of attempting to find a chew toy for mae NOT made out of hard plastic that will last more than a day.

It might have a little to do with guilt as well. When I first got mae, before the leg amputation, before the hundreds of dollars of clothing, toys, and whatnot she has massacred, there was Bunny. Bunny came with mae, along with her crate, food, a kong, and a few other toys. Bunny was a disgusting, slobbery, yellow, stuffed toy that mae carried with her everywhere. It was a pathetically cute thing to see this tiny puppy carrying around and snuggling a bunny as big as she. Mae also loved to suck and lick on Bunny, and one of Bunny's legs was barely hanging by a thread. And as you can probably imagine, Bunny was disgusting. Bunny was dragged all over the ground, through the dirt, probably though some feces and urine; wet. With puppy slobber. Which Mae then tried to snuggle with in places such as my bed, the couch, my clean clothes basket, and other places you would not as a general rule, want Bunny to be in such conditions.

I considered washing Bunny, but due to the precarious condition of Bunny's leg, I was terribly concerned for her internal organs and a total loss of limb. Also, the thought of cleaning out our washer (it was made in the early 1970's and was consistently on the brink of spontaneous combustion) was too much and probably more than Betsy (the washer, the dryer was named Walter. He died in a tragic moving accident where he nearly fell down an entire flight of stairs.) could handle.

So I threw Bunny away. It was time. Convincing mae that it was time, however, was not so easy. She sat by the trash can howling (literally. HOWLING and crying in a pitiful 6 month old Jack russell terrier fashion) for a good half hour. I am pretty sure she pouted for a week. Since Bunny, she has viciously ripped apart any stuffed animal she can get her teeth on, and tries extra hard if it has a squeaker (Bunny sang).Maybe it's the competitive nature in me to try and find a dog toy to outdo mae's strong desire to chew (and destroy anything that I try to buy in replace of Bunny. NOTHING WILL LIVE UP TO THE LEGACY OF BUNNY!!). Maybe I have psychologically scarred mae and therefore she attempts to destroy any and all forms of squeaky and/or stuffed toys.

Either way, I fear there is no hope for the future cohabitation of Mae and Squeaky/Stuffed toys.

Why "Global Warming" doesn't matter

Earth day was last week, and my friends hosted a benefit concert for the Tiputini Biodiversity Station in the Ecuadorian Amazon. As a result, I have been thinking a lot about the environment and causes, and why exactly I feel so strongly about conservation, recycling, and the environment.

So I decided to give this blog a purpose, or theme, or whatever you prefer to call it. It's going to be my search for a "cause" and then the efforts I made to pursue this "cause." There are likely to be off topic posts and unrelated tangents, but I feel good having a purpose for this blog.


I'll start first with some thoughts on Global Warming.

I've done a little bit of research on global warming, and to make sense of the incredible amount of research, data, political jargon, and ridiculous name calling, I feel the debate on global warming should be divided into two categories:

1.) Is the Earth's temperature actually getting warmer?
2.) If the Earth really is getting warmer, are we (people, our actions, etc.) causing this, or somehow making the increase in climate temperature significantly worse?



Let me start with #1.

Now, one would think that the evidence on temperature trends would be relatively thorough and easy to find. After all, we've had weathermen and we've been tracking at least since I was born. And the first mercury thermometer was invented in 1714 by Gabriel Fahrenheit, allowing people for the first time to gage changed in temperature. You would think after nearly 300 years we would be capable of creating a system of accurate data on temperatures by some arbitrary location (like by region, country, latitude/longitude, or specific locations strategically placed throughout the world).

I guess not. Now I only halfway understood the majority of the statistical information provided, but after reading the comments I have come to a conclusion: many of the people doing the calculations seem to be doing so in an academic mind-frame. Someone posted a comment as the "devil's advocate" and was answered with a philosophical response.

The language and method of comments shows that many of these people are not there to pick a fight, or maybe they are, but instead of name calling and blaming Al Gore for all their problems, they're using data, statistics, and science. They are discussing methods of statistical calculations that are important in modeling, discussing the validity of the one used, and other potential models.

Important to note; they are not simply calling the model wrong (if you're curious where I am getting this part of it, check comments starting around 30 on the "I guess not" link above) they are discussing the errors in the model, why they exist, and ways to correct or adjust for the errors.


Basically what I gathered is there are sometimes missing sections of data, for example a month missing from a station measurement. That "hole" in the data is filled in by an overall average of that month from all data. Please correct me if I'm wrong?

What the article above (and this one) is attempting to prove however, is that the data used, specifically data published by NASA, is skewed and rotated at approx. 6*, creating a steeper upward climb in temperature data that is essentially an error in the data. And while I am sure there are a dozen websites proving that the NASA data is correct, and the model is correct, I would like to quote my proffesor here and say "All models are wrong, but some are useful." That being said, I am greatly concerned over the differences between NASA, RSS, UAH, and the Had-Crut data.

I refuse to say whether or not I feel NASA is wrong, or the three other types of data that all show decreasing temperature averages is wrong, because I honestly do not have the education or research to run the numbers and make an educated decision.


It is however, enough information for me to say that my belief in Global Warming is not as strong as it once was.

And that got me thinking about something else entirely.


WHY does global warming matter? Why does #1 or #2 matter in the scheme of the big bad world, or the entire universe for that matter?

Well, I don't feel it does. In fact, I'm angry about it how important the argument that is focused around #1 and #2 has become. I'm angry that in order for the world to care about the planet we have to believe we are causing a catastrophic apocalypse that will likely be the end of earth as we know it due to an onslaught of typhoons, hurricanes, tornadoes and massive disasters Ala The Bible.

Why can't we recycle because throwing all those plastic bottles away is wasteful? Why can't we unplug our appliances when we're not using them simply because it will save us money? Why can't we look towards alternative energy such as wind technology because it's better for the environment and puts less pressure on crude oil, which is not a renewable resource? Why can't we shop locally and eat less processed foods because overall it's better for our health and uses less waste?

(As a side note, the economist in me says this would hurt the overall economy, but I choose to push that part of me back into the recesses of all things less important than advocating for a cleaner earth. The only thing this would really hurt is business/the economy but it would quickly recover in new sectors such as renewable energy and more efficient agricultural practices. That is of course, unless the big political forces of corporate farms were prevented from paying off the politicians and securing more subsidies and tariffs.)



Why, as a species, are we incapable of doing things simply because we do not KNOW what the future holds? Why can we not admit we have no effing CLUE what the world will look like in 50, 100, 250 years and live because of such a vast lack of knowledge.

We in America (ME ME ME included) are extremely wasteful and take so much for granted. I cannot imagine what it is like without clean water, or a roof over my head.

I am not afraid to admit that I do not know where I go when I die, or whether or not there is global climate change, or what I'm going to eat for dinner tomorrow, or where I'm going to live if I don't have a job come August and I'm in Texas.
I fear the Apocalypse of humanity is likely to be our inability of dealing with uncertainty.


For these reasons, Global Warming will not by my "cause."

So this is obviously not a true piece of journalism, but it does stem from personal experience.

Please, gentleman. Heed the advice, and beware of VBP!

“Concern over men with VBP increases with the threat of Global Warming and Recession Woes”
21 April, 2009
by Kara Kneidl

VBP is on the rise as summer approaches, and so is the importance of understanding what VBP is, how it affects men, and ways to treat it are imperative to the overall health of the community. Men can become infected with the choice to forgo the use of undergarments while wearing shorts.

“It’s an epidemic. I saw the first case of the season, and it was only 50* today. You expect to see one or two cases a year, but last year there was at least five reported cases, and the first one wasn’t reported until mid-June. If this gets as bad as I think it might, we’re going to have to get the international Red Cross involved. Or at least the French Red Cross… I’ve heard cases of VBP in France are nonexistent.” A local Center for Disease Control official stated when asked to comment on the VBP infected man sitting at the other end of the coffee shop, reading the newspaper.

The official shook his head, and whispered, “he is just sitting there, drinking his cup of coffee, completely unaware of his [VBP] out there for everyone to see.”It’s believed in Dayton alone sightings of VBP will triple for those only marginally aware of their surroundings, and a projected tenfold increase for avid people watchers. With warm weather on the rise, men are more likely to turn to shorts and resort to a phenomenon known as “going commando” which involves fewer layers and less protection from VBP. In addition, the massive downturn in the economy is forcing people to cut back on spending, including spending that encourages wearing undergarments in public.

A local man who acknowledges his high risk of VBP spoke with us today. “I know VBP is a big concern, I’m constantly checking to make sure I’m not affected. But times are tough and I’m cutting as many corners as I can. I’m only eating out once a day now, and I get tall lattes instead of venti ones in the morning. I’ve also cut down on wearing boxers only on special occasions and holidays. I’m aware of my risk, and I’m careful. But even then, it’s my body, isn’t it? Isn’t that what you women are always complaining about, that it’s your body and you should be able to do what you want with it? Well it’s time guys took a stand. Women cannot tell us when we can, and cannot wear underwear.”

VBP is a sensitive issue that local business owners are tentative to address when it rears its head in their establishment. Some business owners are hoping to get parents involved to combat VBP before it becomes an issue. Some are actively turning down the temperature of their establishment to discourage people from wearing shorts at all.I asked a local coffee shop owner how she felt about VBP in her store. “The sad part is most guys don’t even know they have VBP. And who am I to tell them? It’s humiliating enough to find out from a girlfriend or a friend, but some random woman you don’t even know? I just don’t have it in me. I’d rather let the VBP go and hope someone he knows will be able to break the news before he carries it all around the city.”

VBP, or Visiballsandpenis syndrome affects men of all ages, but is mostly found among middleaged, atheltic men desperately attempting to hold onto their youth and khaki shorts. An advocacy group called Stop the Commandos is preparing to run a campaign with public service announcements aimed at an increase in underwear and boxer wearing and also to decrease the stigma of men crossing their legs. “Crossing your legs is not something women and gay men do to increase their appearance of femininity. It’s very common in Europe to see perfectly straight men with their legs crossed. It’s simply a matter of protecting themselves from the humiliation and the stigma attached to VBP.”

VBP is embarrassing for everyone involved, and is easily prevented. “Stop the Commandos” will be hosting a Boxer drive and is asking for new and gently used men’s undergarments to hand out to those afflicted with VBP. Stop the Commandos has asked to keep in mind that VBP is not contagious, although it is often hard to look away, and can be emotionally scarring to young persons, especially young girls. Parents are asked to keep on the look out for VBP and keep children from sitting too close in case the dreaded “what is THAT?” question should arise.VBP can be prevented through the use of boxers, boxer briefs, briefs, or as they are often called “man panties” or simply by crossing your legs while wearing shorts.

First Blog

This is likely the beginning of an end for me.
My first blog... well... okay that is somewhat of a lie. I actually have another blog floating out in space somewhere. However I am positive I have yet to blog on it... I just have it and forgot what it was called. Besides, I'm pretty sure "karanomics" is entirely more creative that whatever it was I came up with first.

A friend of mine started blogging, and reading hers made me want one. Yeah, I know, not very independent or creative but she's pretty awesome and I could do much worse than follow in her footsteps.

This will also be a way for friends and people interested to follow what is going on in or around my new life and what I will be doing over the summer.

In reality though, this is mostly just for me to talk about stuff, because I like to talk.